This Week’s Life-Affirming Website
I used to be one of those girls who took 90 minutes to get ready to go anywhere—in the words of Eva Gabor, "I ask myself more questions than Hamlet as I ponder which shoes to wear”—and I admit this as a person who knows the whole “to be or not to be” soliloquy by heart.
I miss those days, when I could be counted upon to be flawlessly tricked out at any and all times, even a mere sneakers-and-T-shirt combo taking trial runs and failed attempts, resulting in my usual state of 20-60 minutes late for everything. Then I moved to Vegas, where people are too casually or incredibly badly dressed and usually both. It’s pitiful. And, in my desire not to be any more conspicuous than I already am, as I spent the next several years standing alone in a crowded room, I decided to lowball the wardrobe as well. I have since amended that decision and acquired a full-length mirror (although I smashed it in a fit of temper) and am returning to my days of being completely done up (and quite late) and this website has proven helpful. While it’s not as sartorially effective as, say, a page of nothing but pictures of Catherine Deneuve and Marlene Dietrich, along with Richard Avedon Vogue photos, it does give one a few good ideas. Although I could do with fewer photos of Mischa Barton and Lindsay Lohan.
This Week’s Netflix: Kolchak: The Night Stalker
One of my favorite shows as a child, this series followed rumpled, cranky, misanthrope reporter Carl Kolchak as he stumbled into stories driven by supernatural phenomena from werewolves to swamp monsters to vampires to the devil himself (or itself, given that it kept turning into a dog). “The Trevi Collection” was about witchcraft and high fashion, featuring lots of the chiffon-heavy ersatz 70’s couture of the kind featured in Mahagony and The Eyes of Laura Mars.
The episode “Horror in the Heights” was one of my favorites, mixing Jewish and Indian religions, as well as the issue of elder care. But, more importantly, Kolchak was tracking a mythic beast who lures in its prey by assuming the appearance of whomever the victim trusts most. Of course cynical old Kolchak is immune to said monster, as he has faith in no one. Naturally, that’s not entirely true, and our intrepid (and probably inebriated) reporter narrowly avoids death at the hands of the shape-shifting backstabber. I know this was supposed to be some sort of uplifting sign that even the most pessimistic and misanthropic of us have our human connection. However, even as a child, I recall not being able to lose the terrible feeling that, no matter how vigilant we are against our enemies, we will inevitably slip up, thus causing our destruction. Oh, such a lighthearted little kindergartner was I.
As you may have guessed, The Night Stalker was a main influence on all the supernatural series, especially The X-Files—where they gave propes by givng Darrin McGavin a guest-starring role as the very first X-Files agent. Naturally, they attempted to remake this series, replacing cranky, rumpled ol’ Kolchak with oh-so-easy-on-the-eyes Stuart Townsend and a cast of toned, young multi-culti types, thus sucking much of the character out of the show, messing up the balance between the oh-so-earthbound schlump of a reporter with the otherwordly phenomena he investigated—not coincidentally, often wrapped in the guise of a glamorous model, socialites, tycoon or politician. Much like real life.
This Week’s Taste Sensation: Pancakes and Sausage on a Stick
It’s exactly what it says it is: a spicy breakfast sausage, wrapped in pancake batter, on a stick. Basically, a breakfast corndog, to be dipped in buckets of maple syrup. They only come in boxes of 12, thwarting any thoughts you might have of moderation, of stopping at eating a mere half-dozen. They also come in blueberry, which sounds good, and chocolate chip, which sounds gross. However, I would like to add that the new Carl’s Jr. teriyaki burger is a bit of a disappointment--with all the interesting stuff on it, it still doesn't taste much different than a regular burger. And I love sandwiches with pineapple on them.
This Week’s Good News
While the changeover from the Aladdin to Planet Hollywood wasn’t as upsetting as the loss of other classic casinos—after all, they had already torn down the old Aladdin to make way for the new one—it still wasn’t exactly welcome. One, we all know that the franchise itself is evil. And they made all the fuss about opening an outpost of Pink’s Hot Dogs, but it’s just some menu choices in the coffee shop and the dogs are served all flopped out with knife, fork and fries, thus losing the “all tastes and textures in each bite” effect that is the hot dog’s main point. And I miss the chicks in the I Dream of Jeanie outfits… but, then again, I’m never happy with anything. And there is a bright side: We’re finally getting an H&M, which means I can stop saving up money before and space in my luggage after every time I go back east. Of course the down side is that now I won’t be the only one in town with the rhinestone skull bag charm or Mamie Van Doren titty sweater or the Dia de los Muertos sundress. Although I am pretty sure that, even with a Sephora and H&M and a Betty Page dress shop all under the same roof, the good women of Las Vegas will still look tacky as all fuck.