Ah, yet another reject from the Las Vegas Weekly. Yeah, now refuse to waste our or anyone else's time writing anything save the so-called column for them these days. I could launch into quite the tirade but, well, so what? They have their priorities, I have mine and they don't pay well enough to bring the latter in line with the former. Besides, I think it will be obvious to even the most casual reader what a powerfully subversive work this is...
“Cocktails…? Cocktails…?”
Ah, the siren call of Las Vegas, the song of the lovely ladies who float amidst the machines and tables clad in attire specifically designed to reflect the theme of the casino and be as revealing as possible (not necessarily in that order). Of course, every few years, there’s a lawsuit involving a waitress who quits or gets fired over the extent of her décolleté and/or her ability to fill it, but the outfit always wins out.
Waitress outfits have changed over the decades: Gone are the mini-kimonos of the Imperial Palace and I Dream of Jeanie regalia of the Aladdin. And it’s been five years since Caesars Palace retired the one-shouldered mini-togas with ponytail-topped conical hairpieces worn by the waitresses for 34 years. The Caesars wine goddesses were Vegas icons, and only the Playboy bunny bustier beat the toga for feminine allure in a service uniform. Alas, none of our current cocktail waitresses' outfits are as famous, but some of them do have their positive points…
Paris
Description: Bright blue leotard with white lapels and matching pillbox hat, all adorned with excessive amounts of gold buttons and red piping.
Could’ve Been Designed By:One of those fly-by night seasonal Halloween costume shops
What It’s Supposed to Look Like: Sexy, saucy Parisienne
What It Actually Looks Like: Sailor Moon Porno Bellhop
Is It Flattering? Well, skimpy, brightly-colored, relentlessly themed costumes are hard for anyone to wear…
Bellagio
Description: Fitted black suit jackets with black pumps. There might be a top or skirt under the jacket but, whatever it is, it’s so small you don’t notice it.
Could’ve Been Designed By: Any of the better boutiques in the Fashion Show Mall.
What It’s Supposed to Look Like: High-powered, glamorous lady executive. Who just happens to have forgotten her blouse and her skirt.
What It Actually Looks Like: Past and/or future trophy wife.
Is It Flattering? It certainly shows off the boobs. Then again, a suit of armor would show off the boobs.
Binion’s Horseshoe
Description: White tuxedo shirt, black hot pants with satin tuxedo stripe, black sequined vest, black stockings, black bow tie.
Could’ve Been Designed By: Bob Mackie. For Liza Minnelli. During her cocaine days.
What It’s Supposed to Look Like: Bringing James Bond his martini in a Monte Carlo casino.
What It Actually Looks Like: Road show company of A Chorus Line.
Is It Flattering? In theory, this outfit is very becoming. Imagine it as it was originally conceived, to be worn by Raquel Welch or Miss September 1972, and it’s got classic sex appeal. However, most of the servers at Binion’s resemble your grandma, which alters the effect somewhat.
Hard Rock
Description: Black mesh shirt under leopard-print vest with black Daisy Dukes and black tights.
Could’ve Been Designed By: Lita Ford
What It’s Supposed to Look Like: Rock n’ roll vixen
What It Actually Looks Like: Hustling for a backstage pass at the Poison concert circa 1986.
Is It Flattering? Not as much as the uniforms worn by the waitresses at Mr. Lucky’s coffee shop—red or black Dickies minidresses and hot pants just like the ones at Hot Topic, but with bits of waitress banter (“Refills are free!”) embroidered on the pockets.
Excalibur
Description: Black velvet minidress with front lacing, puffy sleeves and gold satin inserts.
Could’ve Been Designed By: One of those zaftig women with a pierced tongue and hair down to her waist that makes dresses and sells them at the Renaissance Faire.
What It’s Supposed to Look Like: The lord of the manor’s favored serving wench
What It Actually Looks Like: Sophmore goth girl goes clubbing.
Is It Flattering? Quite, as a matter of fact. Every woman looks good in a peasant neckline.
Mandalay Bay
Description: One-shouldered, green-and-red brocade leotard embellished with floppy gold lamé trim and butt-creeping semi-thong back.
Could’ve Been Designed By: A second-string dancehall girl who didn’t have enough time to make a skirt.
What It’s Supposed to Look Like: I honestly have no idea how heavy, itchy, Christmas-colored fabric is supposed to evoke the tropics.
What It Actually Looks Like: Someone’s drunken great-aunt tried to make a Sports Illustrated swimsuit out of steakhouse wallpaper.
Is It Flattering? Hah. This outfit would make Grace Kelly look like a vulgar fatass.
Silverton
Description: Khaki or brown outfit consisting of a sort of fitted bowling shirt with a sweetheart neckline and a miniskirt embellished with a sequined playing-card motif.
Could’ve Been Designed By: Sailor Jerry with a little Dolce & Gabbana around the bodice.
What It’s Supposed to Look Like: Atomic-era carhop
What It Actually Looks Like: Auto mechanic by day, pin-up girl by night? How about a lady who can do both at the same time?
Is It Flattering? Absolutely. I hope to figure out a way to steal one before the Viva Las Vegas Convention.
MGM
Description: Thigh-length, double-breasted red blazer with gold buttons and some kind of red bra top beneath.
Could’ve Been Designed By: Definitely K-Mart, definitely “career collection,” whether it’s Jaclyn Smith or Kathy Ireland is your call.
What It’s Supposed to Look Like: Joan Collins. Not now Joan Collins: Dynasty Joan Collins.
What It Actually Looks Like: Real estate agent downs ten margaritas, loses bottom half of suit.
Is It Flattering? Not unless you’ve got a fetish for drunken, de-pantsed real estate agents.
Caesars Palace
Description: White bustier top with gold coin embellishments above straight or flared miniskirt accessorized with gold sandals, nude pantyhose and optional sheer capelet.
Could’ve Been Designed By: Ver-sayce
What It’s Supposed to Look Like: What the handmaidens of Olympus wear while pouring the nectar of the gods.
What It Actually Looks Like: With capelet: mother of the bride. Without capelet: father of the bride’s second wife.
Is It Flattering? Well, the available adaptations make it more becoming for the less-toned members of the staff.
New York, New York; Fitzgerald’s; Aladdin; Four Queens; Monte Carlo…
Description: Black, brocade-trimmed bustier with black flared miniskirt. Brocade-lapelled bolero jacket optional. Brocade is available in red, blue, turquoise, purple and multicolor.
Could’ve Been Designed By: Whatever catalog it is that sells cocktail waitress outfits in bulk.
What It’s Supposed to Look Like: Timeless, subtly sexy.
What It Actually Looks Like: Generic, generic, generic. Sure, there’s a certain amount of effort and expense involved in custom-designed outfits but they add so much to a casino’s atmosphere. At they very least, could they pick a different one?
Is It Flattering? I guess. It’s not like one really notices these outfits or the people in them. And, at some places, that’s a blessing.
